I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
Europe's "the final countdown" was playing. It was pretty much amnesty for anything that might happen the rest of the night. It's a rule.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
