____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
i feel like after you turn 30 you aren't supposed to black out anymore
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Well. No wine. And no real mixers. I'm using vodka and grape juice and calling it Slurrrlot. Happy Holidays bitch.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
So I woke up this morning to find my laptop open, with a google search for "where to buy marble", and a hungover naked northern girl in my bed who told me that I claimed to be a sculptor last night and that I promised to sculpt a bust of her hands...
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
