You were right. It hurts to walk today.
I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
Randomize
