i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
Only in college do people pre-game a meteor shower
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Randomize
