What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
Did I send you an asleep facebook message about the upcoming football season titled 'BRILLIANT' at 4:45 this morning?
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
i survived drinking for 24 hours, an 8 ball of cocaine and a threesome. I think you can handle moving.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Randomize
