My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits
Another sexterpiece awaits
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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