i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
