I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
