I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
But today feels so special with katie getting herpes and me cleaning my room. Good things are happening.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
I've decided that I'm okay with you getting a goat. I have to get over my completely rational fear of goats somehow.
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
When you wake up, I have a unicorn coloring book, crayons, mini cupcakes, and booze.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
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