May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
