dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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