I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Nights like last night are what makes cleaning up the vomit in the morning worth it
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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