Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
So, just in case you go to the bathroom in the middle of the night.. Sam is asleep in the first stall.
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
