he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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