I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
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