she was hot for a redneck and i dont look at teeth
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
