on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
It's a sad day when you can't take off your pants and drink a margarita at work.
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
