how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
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