He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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