Hairspray is covering 85% of my body. Help.
Wait until you see the roof.
apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.
it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
He's wearing my bra and eating a breadstick while jumping on our bed.....
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
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