There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
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