Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
