Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Randomize
