dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
It was good. Ended up having a 3 hr make out session with her
What is this high school
There was a lot of catching up to do bro
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
Randomize
