I am puke
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
it was like his penis was on wheels.
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Her idea of kinky involved a tazer
wtf?
I'm going back tonight
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Come over. And we'll put iced coffee in the bong.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Randomize
