dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Btw I thought it was impossible to use up 48 bottles of patron in one night but I was wrong...
Randomize
