She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
Randomize
