dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
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