elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
hurry up. it's a friday night and i'm drinking in my office by myself. wearing a stewie griffin costume. the cleaning lady is judging me.
Randomize
