You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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