I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
