And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
His Australian accent during sex made me think I was in an Outback Steakhouse commercial
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
