used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
Everyone's impressed that I actually got pee all over his car since I'm a girl and they're a little curious..
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
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