turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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