when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Forget abc fam drinking games. Take a shot everytime Tyra says I and you'll be dead by the first commercial
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Thanks for the viagra you gave me last night. I ended up getting called in to work to cover a shift. So I had to tell Kayla that I couldn't hang out and I had to try and hide my dick all night while walking serving people food all night.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
