God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
im getting coffee to go get coffee.
Im throwing up in my trash can so I can go throw up in the toilet. We're basically on the same level.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
Randomize
