We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
what's your room number? I've never been there sober...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just got drunk at the Cheesecake Factory again. Made me think of you.
That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said to me.
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
why is half of my head shaved?
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
