I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
He came on my pillow pet. That's unacceptable. I hate boys.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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