I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Disadvantage of being gay..... my gag reflexes makes trying to make myself throw up extremely difficult.
Me too. I'd like to spend all next summer high and drunk and riding ponies and boys.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
