nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
