I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
