my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
