I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
He just kept petting my ear and informing me that I wasn't one of the guys
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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