Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
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