I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
But really- as the voice of your vagina I am BEGGING you to do it. If not for yourself than for your poor innocent puss
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
