I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Ok spinning in the opposite direction thatg the room was spinning was the worst advice ever
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
