you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
How's your threesome situation going?
Optimistic
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize
