Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
The night was going well until I found tufts of my hair in the freezer. Then I got nervous
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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