its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
Randomize
