Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
