i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Randomize
