It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
The best revenge is living well. Or pooping in his sunroof. Either or
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
You need to call dibs on the blond with the tits. It's your birthday.
Haha hell yea
Because if someone gets to see those.. It should be you. It's like God telling you Happy Birthday.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
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